Once Again, maybe!

Until what age is somebody supposed to fall in love? You'd say, there's no limit. Of course, there is none. But, ask yourself once, would you still say it if the person was somebody from your family? Say, either of your parents fell in love with somebody else. Freaking out right now, aren't you? Would you be hurt? Would you be tensed about what the society might say? Would you be worried about how your extended family will react in family gatherings? Would YOU approve of it? Would you  consider yourself absolutely necessary to have a say in your parents' life decisions? Or, judge them for their decisions? Think about it.

If I could, I would ask Kanwal Sethi about the ending of his film, 'Once Again'. What made him believe that he could just break all stereotypes! How could he narrate how a middle-aged woman goes out of her way and talks to a man (not her husband) every night on the phone. How could he do this! It is so irresponsible of him to not judge the woman and the man and just narrate their story!

Isn't she supposed to take care of her kids and live her life by herself, mourning her dead husband! And isn't the man, being a film star, supposed to suppress his desires of a normal person and prevent himself from being seen with a woman who is not her wife! She doesn't try to hide it when her kids confront her. She isn't the conventional woman who let's her ego stop her from being the first one to call him after being introduced as just 'the cook' in front of strangers. She doesn't cry out of guilt of having loved another man, rather she tries to reason it out with her daughter. 

And the daughter, oh my my!! She has the audacity of supporting her mother in her decisions. When the man expresses how much he wants to be with her and not hide any more out of the fear of being scandalized, she tells him that she cannot 'do this anymore'. The celebration of her son's wedding keep going at its normal pace. They get married like normal people. That could've been the end, just like any other movie.

Most movies nowadays bring us back to reality. They show us how it generally is and that every thing in life is not a fairy tale. This was not how it used to be before, at least most of the times. They show us that everything cannot have a happy ending. We have to keep our feet grounded. At this point of time, the director takes us on a different roll. The woman is looking out from the boat, probably introspecting into her actions. Looking into the bright sunshine, the man caressing her bangles, travelling on the sea. The lady had once said that she likes hills more, because she's scared of the sea. When the man asks her about her fear, she says, "Not anymore".

Whoever said, love is unconditional and knows no bounds, lied. They lied on your face, because love is not unconditional. It comes with the condition of being cared for, respected for and being loved back for. It knows its bounds, it knows that you cannot not see or not hear what the society has to say or even your family. But, in 'Once Again', well, it has broken every bound possible. It has for once deepened my belief in love in all its forms. If I said thank you Kanwal Sethi for making this piece of art, I'd not be able to express how grateful I am, as an audience. If someone questioned my opinion about love not being unconditional, I'd say, 'well, not anymore'.

The Other Side

It is so irritating when as young kids our parents tell us, “You are too young to understand such stuff. Grow up and then you can give your opinion and decide for yourself.” At that moment, we start thinking, When shall I grow up and do the stuff that I like? I am just waiting for that day when I will earn for myself and then I can spend all I want. I can go wherever I wish to. Nobody will call me a kid. I will be an ‘adult’. And then, some 12 years later, when you are an adult, you wish to be that kid again and wonder whether you were hoping for such adulthood where you are constantly worried about stuff. Stuff like, saving money for the future, investing enough amounts to cater to emergencies at home or trying to figure out life.

27th Birthday 

It has suddenly dawned upon me that I will be 30 soon and in no time, I will be forty and even then, I will have a hundred things that I had planned but could never make time for and you suddenly start asking yourself philosophical questions like, “What have I been doing all these years? When did all the time just fly without my notice?” Then you start conversing with yourself regarding the stuff that you can do in a year and make up for all that you haven’t done. Then comes a moment when you realise that you might be turning into one of those crazy soliloquists. More and more introspection leaves you in utter discomfort, the discomfort that is like the freckle on your check, the unending part of your back that keeps on getting all scratchy and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot reach that part of your back.

Halfway across the path form 25 to 30, it has dawned on me that you have to learn to live with the scratch, consider the freckle as your beauty spot and smile your way across the dangling bridge. You have to understand that the moment you cross this bridge, there's another bridge around the next corner of the valley called life. All that you can do is enjoy the ride, oops, I meant the walk; ensure that you have slippers on, if not mountain boots to protect you against the stones, an umbrella to save you from the scorching heat or the rains and a ton load of will-power to strive through the journey.

The Brownie Lump!

The first time I went out after that incident was on Valentine's day, 2017. We were at office and Alka, Bhawna and I decided not to spend the evening at home. We dressed up (like always!), called Manu (again, like always!) and there we were, sitting in the fancy restaurant - Soho St. in Kormangala. There were couples all around and we laughed at ourselves thinking about our situation on Valentine's day. Nevertheless, we took the buffet and were hogging on almost everything at the table. I wanted to be happy and not think about anything else, but food. Somehow, I could not. I imagined sitting at Zaitoon with a sizzling brownie topped with vanilla ice-cream and a pretty pretty face, beaming with happiness, full of glee, full of life. 

Have you ever felt a lump in your throat? That lump, which you cannot swallow, nor throw out. The lump that is a constant reminder about the newly created vacuum. The lump that nobody can see or feel. The lump that you do not know to express in words. The feeling that you are tired of and want to get rid of, but you cannot because of the stupid freaking lump! I remember our conversation. After the ice-cream was served at our table, I was waiting for her reaction. The chocolate was provided separately. As soon as I poured the chocolate on the sizzling brownie, I could see her being in awe! She was still wondering what was going on. She was amazed at how they could get a hot plate on the table. It was like nothing she had ever thought of in her entire life. I could sense her happiness in my heart and feel a sense of accomplishment. The feeling that I had not felt even when I earned my first month salary, or when I got my job. All my achievements was worth it because of the laughter and the joy on her face. She said it was the best ice-cream she ever had. I have never had another sizzling brownie.

I happen to be the center of her universe, much like my name! I am the pupil of her eyes and so is she, mine. I have been caressed on my forehead in the mornings and blessed after every chant. I have felt unconditional love, seen God and slept in her arms. I have no complaints as such, just a spoonful of reproach for that lump, that kambakkht lump! Oh how I wish it was gone!

Failed and Failed Again!

'Hichki ' and 'Muramba' - two movies.. completely unrelated in the story, execution and content, yet so similar on its thought process, on its articulation of the premise and so heart touching that even after weeks , I still think about them with some warmth in my heart.

A girl, who has always being thought too little of by her father, suffers from a syndrome that rarely anybody knows about, 'Tourette' it is. She learns to deal with it and doesn't think about it as a big deal. She's academically very strong. She wants nothing but a job, just like anybody else but nobody agrees to even give her a chance. When someone does give her a chance at her childhood school, she realizes that it was because no one else agreed to take the job. She turns things around and everything turns out to be good again!

A little boy, who has always been one of the best in school, aced his class in his MBA, landed an internship at Boston and yet had no steady job, nor an income, nor a plan for his life. He and his girlfriend, whom he has known his entire life are set to get engaged in a month. His girlfriend is a hard-working lady, who is focused, trying to keep up with everything that's normal. And then, there it comes - they break up. The sole reason was because the boy was not doing what he was capable of. When confronted, he asks her to not meddle into his life decisions and he will do what he deems fit. After a day-long break up, he has a revelation and for the first time in his life, he says things that he had never imagined. He bared his heart open and said things that I could never have imagined telling anybody. They patch up and live happily ever after.

 What struck me most and has been lingering on in my mind is the dialogue between the couple when he talks about his thoughts and his fears. The fear of not being able to live up to the standards you have set for yourself, the fear of frowns and pity, the fear of having to scrounge if nothing ever works out, the fear of failure. The girl says, "You don't have to be strong always. Sometimes I will be strong for you, sometimes you have to be strong for me." And then, they accept each other's weakness, openly. I hope, life was as simple as this. Someone might argue as well that life is actually simple and that there's a right time for everything. And maybe, that is true. The thing is unless you get into the shoes of the other person, you don't really know what is going on in his/her mind. Our minds are wired in such a way that only the engineer called God can maybe understand a bit. And we, the mere mortal creatures are so wound up in our own thoughts that after a certain point you seek the help of the Almighty to differentiate between the right and the wrong.

The Change in Christmas

Dec 25, 2016

Life on December 25, 2016 was a tad bit different from today. I was at office, wandering in the cafeteria, posing beside the plump snowman, being happy about the weekend compensation that my company would pay me for working on a Sunday. The thing is, I had taken up the shift on Dec 25, because, apparently, I had nothing to do. And, who'd mind some extra bucks. Life, as you would say, was yet to take its turn. I'm sure the thing/being called 'life' had a smirk on its face when it saw me take up the shift and not go enjoy with friends, or on a trip. After all, what was it? Nothing much, right? Just a mere Sunday, which also happens to be Christmas. But it's just a day. So, yeah, I did care more about the expenses than celebrating the day. After office, my teammate dropped me at the Church on Bannerghatta Road. I sat on the last bench for almost 2 hours, said my prayers that my school had taught me almost 19 years back, pondering over haphazard thoughts, observing the people who came to visit the Church, kids playing in the hall, couples photographing each other and themselves. At around 8 in the evening, I went to the nearby Meenakshi mall to treat myself to something nice. The place was filled with lights, happy people and some jingle-y music. I bought some household stuff, had a paneer dhokla from 'Anand Sweets', just opposite to the mall and came back home, considering it to be a not-so-bad Christmas celebration. 

Cut to December 25, 2017. The day has not been very useful in its sense. I just completed reviewing my resume to apply for internships. And I'll be preparing a dessert. Apart from this, today is just the same as any other day. And in the process of introspection of my life in the last year, I realised, there's a huge transformation. I've lost a part of my soul with the loss of a dear one. I was accepted into a top school for a higher degree (read, suicide!) in Finance. I resigned from office almost six months back, giving up the extra bucks I could've made. I'm a half world away from where I was, living ten and a half hours behind home, haven't visited a church or treated myself to anything special (I know there's dessert, but that's different!!).
I am living a life with limited resources with the hope of making a better (read, prosper-er!) future. Do I repent taking these decisions? No, I don't. Do I wish to travel back in time and make some changes? Yes, I do! The thought that I cannot make any changes to the past makes me think about a lot of other things.

Online Wedding 2

Am I doing anything now, that I might want to change when I take a look back on this day next year? Well, standing on this day, I don't think so. I am happy with the decisions that I have been taking lately. I have missed out on some of my best friends' marriages, baking the Christmas cake for my family, going out on a solo trip, buying something for myself and some other things, maybe.

Online wedding 1

But, what I have gained are some friends on the way who do take care of me, treat me as their own, love me and behave with me the same way they have always behaved. My friend who discusses her happiness and sadness with me without thinking twice. My friend who called me from his wedding mandap and another friend who called me right after her wedding and I couldn't help but remember our first friendship days (more than 8 years back). Well, that's life. You lose some, you gain a lot and a hope for a happier tomorrow drives you to do better each and everyday.

The Conversation

It does not occur everyday when a conversation over a chat makes you realise something big about life. I have a friend who is younger than me in age but much wiser intellectually. He might not agree with me and will be a bit embarrassed when he sees this but I guess, he can live with it. He knows how much I admire him.

Strong in the Wind

It so happened that I have lost a dear one recently and I was struggling to move ahead. However, as life demands,'the show must go on', and so should life. A day after I joined office back from home, he asked me how I was doing. I said, " I am doing fine. Thank You." He said, "W

ow, complete with full stop as well". We generally do not talk this way. Just because I was so much exhausted of answering how I was holding up and how I were, I decided to answer the 'How are you doing' question in an answer which will not entail further questions. I asked him about his work. We work in the same organisation but in different offices. He asked me how things were in my office. I said that my work was like it always is. Getting the cue, he said that what we gain from our work is the time outside office, which by the way, is ample time to do the stuff that we actually want to do, maybe pursue a hobby, meet up with friends, go for a movie or just some me-time. The next thing that he said was and I quote, "It would be quite tragic if you landed your dream job in the first attempt. What will you have to look forward for then?" I said that my dream job is not a very feasible one and his answer was, "The catch is, there will always be a Utopian place where the grass is greener. If you are in search of it, you will lose sight of the very thing you are looking for"

"So, what should a person do? Just dream of the 'dream job' and never look for it?"

" This thing you call a 'dream job', the thing that no one will give you. I understand what you are talking about because I have the exact same feeling about what I want to do"

"So, how do you cope with it? Doesn't it feel as if the years are just passing by and someday you might just die, having no contribution whatsoever?"

"So, let me put it this way. This is straight from the mouth of Lord Buddha. So, I will not claim credit for it. The first thing to realise is that "NOW" is the only moment that will ever be. There won't be anything else that belongs to you, ever. Whether you are the happiest person on Earth or the unhappiest. Realize it with every bone and every muscle in your body, with every drop of your consciousness."

I was still trying to get the grab of it.

I said, "What I gather from it is that I should make the most of "NOW" and not think or wonder about the future."

He said that I was getting the whole thing wrong.

He kept on saying, "Imagine you are stuck in one big 'Shawshank' that is life. How do you escape ? Do you get a bulldozer and smash everyone through and kill all the guards ? Or do you dedicate each day for yourself, working towards your dream?"

He continued, "The most difficult thing is to keep out thoughts about the future, about what will happen if it never works out."

When I told him about my dream about my future and that I did not have the necessary resources for it, he said, "Sometimes, the indicator for that is very simple. what can I do today to contribute towards fulfilling my dream someday? Simple. Do something that makes you happy today. And in this context, it is very very important to distinguish happiness from comfort. If you sit on a couch and watch TV all day, you will be comfortable, not happy. "

I liked the analogy quite a bit.

I said, "Being unhappy makes me very, very uncomfortable."

The next thing that he said gave me hope for a better day. He said, "If you can do something that makes you happy today, and then tomorrow, and then the day after, chances are you are doing well in life." I tried to think whether I did something everyday that made me happy. I realised I was doing so.

He continued, "Quoting yet another genius in Confucius.'It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.' Somehow I have this feeling, that if we are patient enough to see it, this world that are living in is too wonderfully magical." I said that I have always believed in the same philosophy and that only recently I have seen a difficult part of life.

"If you did not have this onslaught of cracks, would you have taken a fresh look at your priorities, about what 'you' want, about how you can treat yourself better. Again, quote number 3 from a wise person 'Treat yourself just as you would treat your best friend and life will open you up to feelings you have never felt before.' Just imagine you dearest friend was coming and telling you all of this and being so sad and lost. What would you do?" For a moment I wondered what I would do and told him, "I would've given her an hour long lecture of all the good things she has in life and how worse it could be, but it isn't. " he said that I would turn the world upside down just to make my friend happy. He also said, "Of course things could be worse. You may reincarnate as Donald Trump, but it would not at all help you feel better. Avoid 'how worse could it be'. Stay away from it. At the end of the day, think of life as working for a big big boss called God. If you want promotion, you don't go into his ears and scream about it. Rather, you show him why you deserve it."

The silver lining

When I started pondering over his words, I realised the depth of it all. He said, "Try not to overwhelm yourself with plans for the next 30 years. Even with all the day to day thing, there will come a point in the future one day when you have to take a leap (there is no other way than a leap). But so long as you are happy all the way through, you will know when that leap should be."

His closing statement for the conversation was, "In such phases, always remember, like a Liverpool fan.'You'll Never Walk Alone.' "

And then, there was the smile on my face I had been missing for days and the warmth of friendship. 

P.S. This note is for the friend. If you are reading this, know that I have a copy of our conversation and maybe I'll get it framed. 

My New Year

I work in a software company, like a million others in Bangalore. I have been staying here for around 18 months now. Although December 31 was an off day for me, I had to be in office on January 1, 2017. I had no plans whatsoever to celebrate and go out with friends, or to a movie or to any place as such. I am not committed yet to have something special planned for me. All I wanted to do were the things that made me happy. I wanted to cook good food, maybe try a new dish, make a paper craft, have my favourite ice-cream.I just wanted to stay back at home and watch the fireworks from my window. 

My Paper Star

All through the day of the 31st, I kept on planning ways to make my New Year's eve better. I chose my favourite dress to wear at midnight. I had planned on putting on lipstick, something an aunt gifted me saying I don't put on enough make-up and that I should start doing so, if I want to look happy. I had planned to cook a new chicken dish for my lunch along with fried rice; parathas, dragon chicken and tawa paneer for dinner. I marinated half the amount of chicken in soy sauce, chili powder and garlic for the new dish. I cooked fried rice with green peas, cashews and raisins. It turned out well enough. But the chicken! My God! The chicken was awful. There was no water in the tank, hence couldn't take bath before lunch. The movie I had planned to watch along with lunch was not good enough. It was nowhere close to how I planned it. I hated it. I hated the fact that I had no way to put my frustration out. I hated that I did not make plans to go out, or to watch a movie, or to go to Sankey Tank, where I had been planning to go since a long time. TV shows were bad, really bad! Nevertheless, I calmed down and told myself that I had the rest of the evening to make plans work.

My Customized Paneer Dish

For preparing dinner, I marinated the rest of the chicken in soya sauce, egg batter and corn-flour. I marinated paneer in curd, ajwain, fenugreek leaves and mango powder. I prepared the dough for making parathas. It was evening by then. I sat down to watch the movie, 'Turning 30'. I am on the thirties side of my twenties and on every new year's day I realise, my age will increase by an year in just two months. The movie was a good one and helped me recover to an extent from the bad lunch that I had.  I started cooking dinner at around 8 in the evening. The paneer was a total disaster. The chicken was an okay dish, though I felt the proportion of egg was more than what was required. All together , my New Year's Eve was not turning out to be so well. After having dinner at around 10:30 in the night, I wanted to do something worthwhile. I gathered my craft papers and started thinking about what I could do. I put on my favourite music and got my craft scissors. I decided to make a paper star, by intertwining papers cut from the center to its side. I picked Orange and Pink. Just 10 minutes before midnight, I got up to put on my dress and just look good to celebrate midnight. But when I entered my room, I realised I did not want to dress up to feel good. I did not want to put on lipstick. I did not want to actually go out with anybody. I wanted to stay away from the hustle and bustle of the city, away from the maddening crowds proclaiming their happiness of the arrival of yet another year, which might be equally mundane as the last one. I brought my chocolate cake and ice-cream from the refrigerator and sat by my window. At the stroke of the midnight hour, I took a bite in my chocolate cake and wished myself 'Happy new Year'.

Sketch Outline

By 1 o'clock, I completed the paper star. There was a certain sense of satisfaction.
On New Year's Day, after office hours, I kept sitting back at office, not knowing what I would do after going back home. A teammate of mine bid me go home. When I asked him what shall I do after going home, he replied, 'Do something creative'. I started thinking about an idea to do something creative given the limited raw material at office. I decided to sketch something, anything. I made an amateurish portrait of a boy. After going back home, I made the paneer leftover from last night and had them. When I started pondering over how I spent my New Year's day, whether I was happy about it or not, I realised I was not sad. I was contented with my idea of new year.

It was my kind of new year with no partying, no music bashing, no bottle opening, no crackers. It was only the stuff that make me really happy. My favourite past time of crafting papers, self cooked food, sketching, having the season's first fruit, chocolate ice-cream and cake. And my weirdo face. What else do I love! Life is bliss!!